On marriage

Today I would like to share with you some of my thoughts about marriage and relationships. Here are some portions of a speech I made in the occasion of the wedding of a niece of mine, which pretty much reflect what I think about marriage and relationships.

A wedding is traditionally the moment when the bride is given away by her family to the groom and his family. Then the bride becomes an official member of the groom’s family. And this is symbolized by taking on the family name of the groom by the bride. However, I believe that the essence of marriage is something more than this. In the first place, I don’t think that marriage is giving away the bride to the groom. Rather, in marriage both families gain a new member into their family, so that both families have become “extended families” of each other.

Secondly and more importantly, I believe that marriage is an expression of the couple's commitment for each other. A commitment to build their own family based on their love and respect for each other. Marriage is also an expression of shared commitment of both families of the bride and groom to give support to this new couple who are about to build their own family.

To build their own family, based on the values they have learned from their respective parents and from their environment. Naturally, they will be making their own choices and decisions; choices and decisions which may, or may not be, to the liking of their respective parents. And in the process they may even make mistakes. I believe that the new couple deserves to have their own space, enough space which allows them to make their own mistakes and learn from them. This means respecting and accepting the choices and decisions they will be making, and having the trust and confidence that we, as parents, have imparted to them the knowledge and values necessary for them to be able to make decisions that are best for them.

As I already mentioned earlier, marriage is an expression of the couple's commitment to each other. Commitment is most often associated with making sacrifices for the sake of the other. But I would rather say, commitment is growing together and continuing to enrich each others lives. Each person in marriage has a commitment to herself/himself to continue to grow and develop, so that she/he may continue to enrich her/his partner's life. Each person in marriage has a commitment to give one's partner the space, so that the other may continue to grow and develop. I believe that it is important not to lose oneself as a person in marriage. But rather, continue to enrich oneself as a person, so that both persons in marriage can continue to give oneself to each other. To conclude, marriage should be an enrichment for each of the couple and for both their respective families.

Parenting is a bit of yourself and a bit of your children

Many parents think of parenting as giving on to our children our norms and values, that they may also take them as their own. But this is just actually half of it. The other half of parenting, to my opinion and in my own practice, is letting our children participate in their own upbringing. As a matter of fact, generation gap exists between parents and children. And for some, cultural gap also exists. We, as parents, are a product of our times and of the particular culture we grew in. Our children are a product of their time, the present, and of the particular (sub)culture they are growing in. It is therefore too much to expect from our children to fully understand and empathize with our own norms and values. For our norms and values are a product of our generation and the particular culture we grew in, which is beyond the experience of our children. No matter how we explain our point of view to our children, they remain our point of view. In the same way, no matter how we try to understand the present generation and the (sub)culture of our children, they remain our children's world of experience. So, there will always be a generation gap and a cultural gap between us, parents, and our children. To accept this as a fact is, to my opinion, essential in parenting.

Having accepted the fact that there will always be a generation gap and a cultural gap between us and our children is the first step in parenting. Then we are ready for the second step. And this is letting our children themselves participate in their own upbringing. Of course, an important aspect of this is letting our children understand that their parents come from another generation and (sub)culture, a world which is not theirs. If our children understand this, then they will also realize that their present norms and values are not necessarily ours, and that it may be difficult for us to completely understand these norms and values, and tolerate them, much more accept them.

So now we have parents who accept the fact that their children don't live in the same "world of experience" as they have lived. And we have children who understand that their parents came from another "world of experience", different from theirs. Then the process of dialogue and negotiation between parents and children can begin. A process based on a mutual acceptance of each other's differences in perspectives, where each one is open to take the other into consideration, and on this basis will be open to accommodate each other in a healthy compromise. This, I think, is the essence of parenting. It is a bit of yourself, and a bit of your children.