Dancing can be a form of relation therapy

Yes, you got it right! Dancing can be a form of relation therapy, and it's fun and relaxing too. I'm taking ballroom and Latin dance lessons together with my husband for 3 years now. And I came to realize that it can really be a form of relation therapy.

Dancing reveals a lot about the nature of ones relationship. In dancing, the woman has to let herself be led by the man. As our dance instructor would always tell us, "Trust your partner, let him lead. If he doesn't , then don't take it over". Right from the start of our dance lessons, we immeidately noticed that I find it hard to let myself be led by my husband. This actually reflects a lot about our relationship. In our relationship I tend to just do my own things, and my husband has his own things too. And we are used to just coordinating our activities. We enjoy though talking about each of our activities, but we are sort of independent from each other in what we do. But we were really never conscious of this, until we started taking dance lessons. How we dance reflects a lot about the nature of our relationship. We have really never come to a point in our dancing that my husband has the leading role. We sort of learned to accept it and live by it, and just found a practical solution to it by coordinating the dance steps we will be doing, and which direction we will be dancing. And somehow by doing this, we are able to pretty much dance in step with each other. We do make mistakes, and sometimes argue who made the mistake. But more often we are able to laugh at our mistakes. We are not really the best dancers in our group, though we are not the worst either. But more importantly we enjoy our dancing lessons very much. It is very relaxing, fun to do and especially fun to do together. Just like our relationship, we get along pretty well by coordinating our activities, activities we do independently from each other and thus giving each of us the space and room to work on our personal development in our own manner and pace. Just like dancing, we talk about it and make sure that we are still in pace with each other. Just like dancing we enjoy the company of each other, we sometimes argue about things, but more importantly we can laugh about our mistakes. Just like dancing, our relationship is very relaxing, and we have fun being together. So, why don't you take dancing lessons with your partner and discover the nature of your relationship. It's fun!

On marriage

Today I would like to share with you some of my thoughts about marriage and relationships. Here are some portions of a speech I made in the occasion of the wedding of a niece of mine, which pretty much reflect what I think about marriage and relationships.

A wedding is traditionally the moment when the bride is given away by her family to the groom and his family. Then the bride becomes an official member of the groom’s family. And this is symbolized by taking on the family name of the groom by the bride. However, I believe that the essence of marriage is something more than this. In the first place, I don’t think that marriage is giving away the bride to the groom. Rather, in marriage both families gain a new member into their family, so that both families have become “extended families” of each other.

Secondly and more importantly, I believe that marriage is an expression of the couple's commitment for each other. A commitment to build their own family based on their love and respect for each other. Marriage is also an expression of shared commitment of both families of the bride and groom to give support to this new couple who are about to build their own family.

To build their own family, based on the values they have learned from their respective parents and from their environment. Naturally, they will be making their own choices and decisions; choices and decisions which may, or may not be, to the liking of their respective parents. And in the process they may even make mistakes. I believe that the new couple deserves to have their own space, enough space which allows them to make their own mistakes and learn from them. This means respecting and accepting the choices and decisions they will be making, and having the trust and confidence that we, as parents, have imparted to them the knowledge and values necessary for them to be able to make decisions that are best for them.

As I already mentioned earlier, marriage is an expression of the couple's commitment to each other. Commitment is most often associated with making sacrifices for the sake of the other. But I would rather say, commitment is growing together and continuing to enrich each others lives. Each person in marriage has a commitment to herself/himself to continue to grow and develop, so that she/he may continue to enrich her/his partner's life. Each person in marriage has a commitment to give one's partner the space, so that the other may continue to grow and develop. I believe that it is important not to lose oneself as a person in marriage. But rather, continue to enrich oneself as a person, so that both persons in marriage can continue to give oneself to each other. To conclude, marriage should be an enrichment for each of the couple and for both their respective families.

Parenting is a bit of yourself and a bit of your children

Many parents think of parenting as giving on to our children our norms and values, that they may also take them as their own. But this is just actually half of it. The other half of parenting, to my opinion and in my own practice, is letting our children participate in their own upbringing. As a matter of fact, generation gap exists between parents and children. And for some, cultural gap also exists. We, as parents, are a product of our times and of the particular culture we grew in. Our children are a product of their time, the present, and of the particular (sub)culture they are growing in. It is therefore too much to expect from our children to fully understand and empathize with our own norms and values. For our norms and values are a product of our generation and the particular culture we grew in, which is beyond the experience of our children. No matter how we explain our point of view to our children, they remain our point of view. In the same way, no matter how we try to understand the present generation and the (sub)culture of our children, they remain our children's world of experience. So, there will always be a generation gap and a cultural gap between us, parents, and our children. To accept this as a fact is, to my opinion, essential in parenting.

Having accepted the fact that there will always be a generation gap and a cultural gap between us and our children is the first step in parenting. Then we are ready for the second step. And this is letting our children themselves participate in their own upbringing. Of course, an important aspect of this is letting our children understand that their parents come from another generation and (sub)culture, a world which is not theirs. If our children understand this, then they will also realize that their present norms and values are not necessarily ours, and that it may be difficult for us to completely understand these norms and values, and tolerate them, much more accept them.

So now we have parents who accept the fact that their children don't live in the same "world of experience" as they have lived. And we have children who understand that their parents came from another "world of experience", different from theirs. Then the process of dialogue and negotiation between parents and children can begin. A process based on a mutual acceptance of each other's differences in perspectives, where each one is open to take the other into consideration, and on this basis will be open to accommodate each other in a healthy compromise. This, I think, is the essence of parenting. It is a bit of yourself, and a bit of your children.

Intercultural counseling

As a Filipina psychologist I get requests every now and then from mixed Filipina-Dutch couples to mediate in their conflicts. Somehow there seems to be a need for psychologists who are able to take on the perspectives of both cultures in cases of mixed marriages. As a matter of principle, I believe that psychologists should be able to view problems from various points of view and perspectives. Afterall, the science of psychology pertains to human behaviour, be it in the Western context or in another cultural context. Does a psychologist having exposure to both cultures (in this case, Filipino and Dutch) have an added value in mediating conflicts in mixed marriages? I would say "Yes and No". I guess this depends on the nature of the conflict. If the cultural differences (especially the manner of communication) play a major role in the conflict, then I would say "Yes". In this case, we can speak of 'intercultural counseling'. In other cases (that is, wherein the nature of the conflict has least to do with cultural differences), then I would say "No". To read more on intercultural counseling, taking the example of Filipinas in The Netherlands, click on the link below.

http://home.planet.nl/~butal000/M-thesis/Counseling.html

What it takes to politically participate?

Political participation is a very broad concept, from voting in elections to holding a public office. In other words, political participation includes all forms of "making yourself count" and "getting yourself be heard" and "influencing public policies".

For a migrant, like me, political participation in the host country is very much related to ones integration process. In the more than 20 years that I've been in The Netherlands, I underwent a process of changing perspectives. (I'd rather call it changing perspectives than changing identities.) I started off as a Filipina who went abroad. I didn't then consider myself as part of Dutch society, but more as an outsider, observing with curiosity the new culture I was in. (I intentionally used the term 'curiosity', because when you are 'curious' you are not pre-judgemental and are not quick to give judgements to what you have seen. But rather you tend to look at new things with an open mind, trying to understand it, taking pleasures in the new knowledge you acquired.)

Going back to my process of integration, from an outsider observer I moved on to becoming a migrant. As a migrant you consider yourself part of the society, but also attributing to yourself the disadvantaged position of migrants. Due to language and cultural discontinuity, migrants are in general put in a disadvantaged position where opportunities are being missed.

The next turning point in my change of perspectives was when I started working. I worked as a coordinator of a parenting program for families in disadvantaged position. I was then exposed to working in the disadvantaged communities in the city where I lived, where the rate of unemployment, single parenthood, low educational attainment, is higher than average. I always thought that migrants as a rule are in the lowest level of the social ladder. But when I went to these communities I saw that there are also white Dutch people who are in disadvantaged position. And I stopped pitying myself as a migrant. And from this point on, I realized that I have a lot to contribute to the society where I was in. And I became an integral part of the Dutch society, bringing along with me my Filipino heritage and culture.

Going back to the question "What it takes to politically participate?", I guess it's important to realize first that you have something to contribute to the society where you are in. Then the rest will follow. And before you know it, you have already become an integral part of the society where you are in, carrying with you your own heritage and culture.